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Solidarity: In Caring for the Sick and Elderlyby Carla Cotti, from the Spirit of Carmel, Spring 2011 issue
My friend’s dad recently went through a stroke, then rehab therapies, followed by further difficulties of walking and speaking, but he remained alert. She and her loving sisters hired good caregivers to help take care of dad. Later, he needed some small, surgical procedures which were then followed by infections and the need for more surgical procedures. At this point, the sisters really did not know how to ‘judge’ what was the right thing to do for him. One sister said that she just didn’t want dad to ‘suffer’ any more. The doctor looked to the family for their ‘decision.’ What did they want him to do? My friend’s situation prompted me to reflect once again on the joys and difficulties of caring for a very sick parent. This scenario is neither unusual nor an example of an extreme case. In serving the elderly over the past thirty years, I have always been humbled by the love and beauty of the families who are caregivers. It is amazing how each person and each family is so unique. Some of the challenges, as well as the spirit that unites the sick, the suffering, and their families show some similarities, such as the way each person comes face-to face with the situation and with God. When my friend called me, she and her sisters quickly thought that they were facing what they considered an ‘end of life’ decision for their dad. Each sister reacted in a different way, but each was torn and devastated, because they were now losing their dad who was so loved by the whole family. He had been through so much suffering. Now with the infection, the change in his cognitive ability, and the need for more surgery, all of the medical interventions seemed overwhelming. On the other hand, the decision of not doing anything would probably mean in a short period of time, death. Sometimes these decisions are referred to as “End of Life” decisions. That term is a little bit of a misnomer, as catchy terms often are. Our present day culture wants clear definitions of every aspect of our lives. We are quick to make assumptions. We want to have control of every situation. We are usually multi-tasking within busy daily schedules. Asking more questions of the medical team, reviewing one step at a time, and not leaping to what is perceived as a need for the ultimate answer are helpful guidelines. Always to do what is life-giving should be the foundational principle of all of our thought processes, communication, and care delivery. At any stage of caring for a very sick family member, it is a good exercise to pause and reflect on ourselves, our own fears and inability to face these important decisions. Many people fear only the other person’s suffering, but also their own ultimate suffering and this can repel them. Sometimes families skirt around even a discussion of the difficulties that their loved one is experiencing. Sons and daughters have expressed to me their inability to visit oft en because they ‘cannot handle this.’ Others are involved richly with the lives of their parents and experience much mutual love and affection. For them, it is very painful to see their parents suffer or even to imagine life without them. These personal feelings and reactions of the caregiver are oft en transferred to the patient as they struggle to identify right decisions and good choices. This can leave loved ones feeling themselves as a burden to their families. Know that it is all right to give ourselves permission to grieve, to feel their pain, and to allow ourselves to just love them. I offer from my heart to those who are suffering in this situation; embrace the suffering as your own. Then, ask God to be even more present to you and your loved one. Don’t doubt that Our Lord is with you and loves you very much. The love that you are exchanging with Him will remain a joyful part of you for the rest of your life. Like so many caregivers, I too felt the heartfelt pain of being present with my mom as both her mind and body deteriorated during her last year of life. Mom became like a little child, and I became the parent loving her more with each passing day. Our Good Lord was present with us with His beauty and strength. Beauty awaits those that throw themselves completely within Our Lord’s loving arms. Our trust in Him brings us to oneness with Him. He loves us and calls us in all circumstances to be ever mindful of His Presence, of His solidarity and support throughout our journey. In joyful moments, silly moments, working moments, alone moments, together moments, and oh! especially moments of suffering – He is with us. Perhaps there comes a time in the carrying of the cross when a person comes to understand not so much the loss, but the overwhelming love that is within the heart. Then, a boundless gratitude unites us to our God. There it is: He loves us, and all is fulfilled. God is faithful in His relationship to each one of us. We mirror that faithfulness through our solidarity with our loved one, our families, our neighbors, and everyone throughout the world. We are each bigger than ourselves. As the definition of solidarity states, we have “an entire union of interests and responsibilities” with one another and with God. We are not alone. This realization grows within us as we spend time with Our Lord and turn our heavy heart to His care. He truly wants to be present to us. As my friend and I shared the circumstances and feelings of caring for her dad, the family was able to come together in prayer to surrender to Our Lord’s will. They allowed themselves to recognize their own feelings of fear and to come to the realization that the medical procedures that their dad needed were very ordinary. They rediscovered the great truth that Our Lord is with each and every one of them. Certainly, He was not going to abandon him now. Her dad has recovered remarkably and is doing well. Thanks be to God. As Pope Johne Paul II stated in his Veritatis Splendor, “The truth makes us free.” If we can recognize the truth in ourselves, that truth will help our heart form our actions with true love. ♦
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